Pain like no other

I have decided that there is no pain like that of a hurting heart. While physical pain whether broken bones, gashes, concussions, surgery and so on are really painful, it goes away relatively quick to be forgotten and only remembered on rare occasions. However the pain of a hurting heart leaves you with a lot of memories and lots of not so great experiences but you do come out of it eventually and you are often much stronger and better off, and I have seen and experienced the Father in those excruciating times and he has held me and been my strength through it all. So here I go again, and well, its Him that I seek and Him that I long for. It's him who heals this broken and hurting heart. :D If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have made it this far. So while my body still shakes and I can't seem to not be anxious it is Him who gives me peace and Him who carries me through.

So to the cross I look and to the Saviour I cling... for in Him I find all that I need.

Heart changes

Today has been quite a day. But I am constantly reminded of His faithfulness. His enduring faithfulness. For in Him I can trust and I will not be let down. He holds my heart, no matter what state it is in He has it. His justice is so so beautiful. His mercy is SO great!!

Dear...

Dear heart,

Thank you for letting me deal with some things you have held on to for a while. I know the hurt you have and I know it's not easy to face, but let's face it so that way a part of you doesn't die off.

You hold so much in you... let's not go this long again without examining your condition.

Dear mind,

Thank you for finally slowing down a little. I know you had a bit more time than usual yesterday to process what has been going on recently. Let's continue to process on a continual basis I'm not too fond of doing it all at once.

Dear body,

Thank you for enduring that 27 mile bike ride yesterday in 100 degree weather. And thank you for not sun burning!! Let's do it again on Friday!

Dear City of Arlington,

As you continue road construction I would greatly appreciate it if you also continued sidewalk construction. You see the sidewalks randomly disappear at time and leave me stranded in a big whole. And also where you do have sidewalks please fix the huge gaps and bumps. My bike and my body do not appreciate crashing and crashing hard especially when you are thrown to the street and there is oncoming traffic. Thanks

Dear today,

Let's have a wonderful day! Let's go on a few adventures and enjoy all that the Lord has given us this day!!!!

So much

Why so often do we speak death over ourselves. We say things that in the end I think have more harm than saying nothing at all. Why so often do we pull each other down, even though so many times we aren't aware of yet affect so many people. I wish we could all just be more aware of these happenings. I know that these things happen, but why do you dwell there in your swimming pool of death. Why do you cling to the lies that have come to steal, kill and destroy? You know the truth, you know the Father, yet why oh why do you choose death over life? Do you not remember the promises of the Father?! YOU HAVE BEEN SET FREE!!!! You know that you have to choose truth over the lies. So many are praying for you, so many are fighting for you. Look around... the Lord has his hand over you, he is pursuing you so hard!!! I want to scream the truth at you, but I know I can't. I know there is still hope, so while there is still hope, I will pray for you. I will stay here and petition on your behalf.

O Jesus, be with us all! We need your grace and mercy, your justice and discipline.

COME DADDY COME PLEASE DADDY!!!!

Letters...

So many letters have been written. A heart poured out on so many pages. So many to friends now and friends to come and people from the past. I've thought so often of sending them, and yet here they lay in my lap. I guess I'll keep them a little longer. Who knows maybe there will be a day when someone will need these letters I've written to them. I have given them so much thought and so much went into these letters and yet here they lay. Sometimes I think they were more for me than for them. If it were for these letters being written I would still have so much held within. But not now. I have found a freedom in writing to so many people.

Yet there is still that pile of letters, purposely written for someone yet to be known. Well... back to reading and writing....even more letters...

Another day at the Coffee Shop...

Got to work and said the usual hellos and how are yous...

I'm standing at the register and well I take a deep breath and I stop breathing, my heart stops...

My mind races 90 to nothing... no it can't be...

I look up and my heart starts beating and I release the air I clinged so tightly to...

The sense of smell is strongly linked to memory...

The smell was that of my biological dad...

I am thankful it was not him.

I was then reading a book over my break concerning that Jabez and his prayer. I find it so intriguing how the writer of this book, specifically stopped to mention Jabez and his prayer. His name meant pain, it was a curse placed on his life from birth. But he completely changed it around. He was blessed by God. He was begging God to take away this curse and turn it completely around. So God did. He gave him what he asked for, because he believed in full faith that God would do it.

I'm sure we all have had curses, words of death, spoken over us. Don't accept them. Ask for God to take them away. You see no curse or word of death can withstand the light of the Glorious One.

Seasons

A season of change...

The Lord is leading me to give over everything. It's currently reached the point of friendships. I have been led to really focus on my friendships here. I've held myself back from being as vulnerable as I need to be with the people I live with and not pouring myself out and being a servant like I so long to be. This has been slowly changing over the past few weeks. But this time of really focusing on the Lord and what he is doing in my life right now.

I'm so looking forward to the end result of this, just have mixed feelings about the whole process. So many emotions have started to come up and so many things have come to the surface. This whole refinement thing is hard, but so so so so sweet!

My heart hurts, but this is good because the Lord is moving and refining!